Did a meme on http://alexandraerin.livejournal.com/

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?


Here's a repost of mine just in case anyone is interested. I guess the normal thing would be for those who reply to repost it on their journals, and please do that to see the replies, but as I don't check LJ a lot lately and most of the answers would be the same, I figured I'd post it below just in case. The few questions that are person specific are about the same too.. I mean if I know you on here then yeah I think you are a good person and I would want you to be healthy and happy and wouldn't change anything else about you, and would want your last day to be filled with whatever happiness you desired.


I don't normally do these, but what the hell. ;)

1. Your Middle Name: Kindred (yes I know it's unusual)

2. Age: 26 (omg I'm that old already? at least the AFI song finally applies ("But Home is Nowhere"))

3. Single or Taken: Been single, too long, looking for someone interesting that can like me as I am

4. Favorite Movie: The Saiyuki anime series, the original, great dubbing (only good dub I know of, better than the subtitling) and the boys are so sexy ;p

5. Favorite Song or Album: Changes a lot, but consistent are Sing the Sorrow by AFI and Fallen by Evanescence as two of my favorite albums.

6. Favorite Band/Artist: AFI, Evanescence, many Japanese rock bands

7. Dirty or Clean: Clean. At least ideally. Messy sometimes.

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings: Love both, but for now only have the several on my ears that were self-done and/or self-expanded.

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ? nope, just LJ and your amazing web novel Tales of MU and the othertales of MU as well

10. What's your philosophy on life? We're supposed to be happy, learn and grow. There is a path but it is not fixed and is different for everyone. Love is what is.

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty? The bottle is not what you think it is.

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest? I'm not a big fan of hiding stuff intentionally from people, I'm also not a big fan of exposing other people's secrets that have been confided.

13. What is your favorite memory of us? Fairly non-applicable at this point. But your writing makes me happy.

14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? Guilty pleasure? I'm not much for guilt. That being said, there are some things that turn me on and some things I identify with that I am afraid of what others would do or say if they knew.

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: I can sense things that can't be seen a bit and had to block most of that because I was too sensitive. I also am sometimes amazed at just how many outside of the norm identity groups I belong in and wish we could all just get together and change the world.

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
I would want to be incredibly rich so that I could do what I want to do in real life and is my plan when/if I am financially able: 1) get all the surgeries and treatments done to try maybe someday be able to actually look in the mirror and see myself (being trans is expensive) 2) buy myself a house so that I don't have to worry so much about bills and working some shitty job to try to survive, and so I can finally maybe have a place to call home and see what that feels like, 3) buy both of my parents houses so that they can finally live in a home and take some of the financial burden off of them, 4) put up the money for the businesses that my mom wants to build (a health food store with programs) and that my dad wants to build (a large garden/orchard with a restaurant) so that they can have a chance to live their dreams before they die, 5) put up the money for the business that I want that I dreamed up that would ideally be a place for people who have no place to go and would not only be a place for people to hang out and find others and have a safe space but would also expand to providing services and hopefully even places to stay for youth, trans, the homeless and anyone who needed help, 6) buy the few fun things that I think are necessary in life such as a really good computer and a running car
That one wish is probably more than enough. But I'd also want the people I care about and ideally everyone to have what they need in life and if I couldn't wish for that directly I'd wish for things to help make that possible.
And selfishly I'd also want to have great friends and I'd really love to have a special person/significant other to spend time/enjoy life with.
And I'd love to travel all over the world and learn and experience new things.

17. Can we get together and make a cake? Of course! And whatever else. I love cooking and baking if it's not just for me.

18. Which country is your spiritual home? Not sure. Japan quite possibly as I love both the traditional and popular cultures there.

19. What is your big weakness? My love for others, my self-hate, my fear and wanting to be loved for who I am.

20. Do you think I'm a good person? Seem like it to me. But people are generally more complex than simple good and/or bad.

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school? Music, singing especially, and dancing make me happy, though they aren't usually the same in school form. I love art, but aren't probably that good at it. Oh, I know... My traditional drumming class. And the Buddhist class I took in Japan.

22. Describe your accent: Not a clue. From the almost south, but seem to have escaped the accent most had around the area.

23. If you could change anything about me, would you? As mentioned above, healthiness if you desire, and true happiness, if not already acquired.

24. What do you wear to sleep? Depends on mood and mostly the weather. Usually sleep pants and the t-shirt I was wearing.

25. Trousers or skirts? LOVE skirts, especially the long, flowing kind, especially more if they are velvet or otherwise soft. But.. being, presenting as a male.. pants usually, unfortunately.

26. Cigarettes or alcohol? I prefer to breathe, thank you. My lungs cannot breathe and smoke at the same time.. unfortunately. Used to smoke but had to quit. Really miss cloves. But alcohol is great. Bring on the margaritas!

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
Whatever you wanted, it's your day. Hopefully some grand adventures or something equally exciting/beautiful, etc.

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
Sure, why not, we'll see if anyone actually reads my journal anymore while I'm at it maybe ;p I think it will be the first meme I've ever posted... you've taken my meme virginity ;)

This is a quote from a posting of friend who quoted it from something else. The link is the link to the original which was... let's just say I know the feeling of a bit of what they were saying.


http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/09/11/personal-life-update-2/


"I have had an overwhelming need, my entire life, to be perceived correctly. I am sure I have made real friends in my life, people who really truly liked me/loved me and enjoyed my company. I could never feel it, never touch that. I could never believe anybody could actually like me, rather than liking the motions I was doing an exceptionally good job of going through. But having friends was one of those motions, and it was a constant source of shame that I didn’t have more, that I couldn’t connect, couldn’t feel those things other people professed to feel about friendship (although I didn’t –- and honestly still don’t – think most people really mean those things; I’m not the only person in the world savvy enough to identify the motions). Even the times in my life when I have been surrounded by people, and in retrospect can say many of them really honestly liked me, I have still always, in my head, identified myself as somebody who is utterly friendless."

This is a reply I wrote.

This speaks to me as well, a lot. People just seem to go in and out of my life a lot, no one ever stays and it just kinda feels like I'm just alone in the middle of it. Part of it, maybe a lot of it, is me I wonder. I've never been very good at keeping in touch with people over long distances.
The biggest difference between me and that quote is that I can't say for certain if I meant anything really to these people or if I was just there at the time. But I think I also really suck at showing people how much they mean to me usually, because I don't really know how to do that properly or normally or whatever, so maybe it is something that went both ways.


I felt like writing about it a little more now on here. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. All these people that I've known, met, been friends with, cared about, loved, etc and yet they are all out there scattered around the world. In all honesty it takes all I have to deal with daily life, and even then I feel I kind of fail, a lot. I could blame this on my physical disabilities and the corresponding lack of energy no matter how much I sleep. I could blame this on my shitty past and not having anyone at all there for me my entire life as I was growing up. I could blame it on the abuse I got from parents, classmates, supposed friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, mother's boyfriends, girlfriend's relatives, random people, etc. I could blame it on emotional or physical diagnoses, my own personal things that I see wrong with me that I hide from everyone, self-hate, social ineptitude, etc, etc.
The point is: I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I contain many things wonderful and horrible, and the point is it really doesn't matter. I am whatever I am, and so each day I try to move forward and that's what I think the point is. I still want to know what I am, I still want to try to fix the damage, I still want to know what I have been, and how people actually see me. I still fail, and fuck up and feel like I'm able to do so much less than anyone else and wonder how the hell I am going to survive when I so do not fit into this world. But, one day at a time. Even that is very difficult. So I am sorry that I suck. I really wish I knew how to be the friend I want to be to everyone I know, but in all honesty I don't know how to do long distance things and I arguably don't really know much about how to do things even when distance is not an issue. I got so scared of scaring people away, so sure that no one wanted to know anything I had to say, so sure of how weird and/or boring I was. At this point I feel like a wall separates me from everyone and I don't know how to cross it. But I love all of you that I have known and am glad that I have gotten to know you, even if I don't know what I am supposed to do now that you are all over the U.S. and the world and I don't have time-space portals to minimize this distance.
And blogs take wayyy too much time.
It's like time travels differently for some. Like my mom, for example, can spend literally the entire day just eating, feeding the cats, and taking a shower, and be busy this entire day doing these things. While other people can fit so much into the time they have.
Anyway, I have just been recently wanting to go out with and spend time with friends and wishing I could do that, only to realize that yes I do know people that I consider my friends (but am not sure what they see me as), but they are all over the place and so I almost never talk to them because I am too busy with what is in front of my face. And I just wanted to let you know,(well those of you that might read this anyway) that even though I don't talk to you, I love you.
Though I realize that probably sounds ridiculous, huh?

So... :D I have a secret. Guess. ;p

I am...
in a band!!!! :D

And I am having my first performance in about 2 weeks. A performance.. as in on a fucking stage!! In front of people! And this is for a club at school so there will actually be a good sized crowd of people!

Most of you may not know. I don't say it much because it seems so in the clouds, but.. my dream my entirely life has been to be a musician. I've been singing for forever, in fact my grandparents swear I was singing before I could talk and possibly even before I could walk (my grandmother sang to me a lot so I maybe I picked it up there?) That and banging on things like drums. ;p Almost my entire life I have been in one singing group or another (usually school groups). I think I might have quit for a bit during high school because of the whole trying to not draw attention to myself because I wanted to live and that consumed most of my thoughts, energy and time. I started again in college though and only quit once I had been on hormones for a while and I just, well, couldn't sing anymore as my voice was changing so much so fast. I was worried I might not be able to sing again as I think I might have been kinda tone deaf for a while and I was definitely a bit squeaky voiced. So I was worried to try for the fear I might really really suck as I did for a while. But it looks like maybe I don't anymore. I still have to work a lot on it, and singing in a binder is a bitch especially when they want you to be REALLY LOUD but I am trying my best. It was looking kinda hopeless for a bit, like we wouldn't be able to work it out and I wouldn't be able to be loud enough but.. it seems to be going better and so while I am worried as hell still I am also sooooo excited!!

Yeah I may seem shy and quiet and I am but.. I am made for the stage. Singing, dancing, performing on stage is amazing for me and I change a LOT. As long as I can memorize the songs well enough and be loud enough and not mess up due to fear or forgetfulness, I think it will go great. I hope I can let loose and really let myself out on stage, and I think as long as I am prepared (so I can worry less about looking or sounding stupid) I will be great!

Fuck yeah bitches! I'm having me a fucking concert!!

:D

Wish you could be there. :)

http://www.cafepress.com/siprelle.275323572


From a webnovel I read on a normal basis. Yay for subtext. :D

This is also available on boxers, if you have the urge. ;p

Whee! How is everyone doing? I am good. Busy as hell though. :D This semester so far has been the biggest difference from last semester (yes my english is turning into japanese english ;p)

I'm still in Japan, in Tokyo. Now I am staying with a host family now. I've been speaking more Japanese than ever in my entire life. It's good. There's a few things I miss and some people I miss from back home, but in all honesty I don't know how I will be able to live in somewhere that is not Japan after this.

When people ask you if you have become accustomed to Japan, Nihon ni narimashita ka?, it is basically "have you become Japan/Japanese?" though I know that is not what they mean exactly. But things in Japan always made more sense to me than most things in the US, and now that I am here if really does feel like coming home to a place that finally makes sense. I mean, it's not all candy and flowers, but it certainly fits a lot more, you know?

Today, for example, I went to a meeting of the gay/lesbian/bi/trans group on campus. Overall it was really great. Lots of interesting people. But what might be the best thing is the lack of assumptions and exclusive labels. I, as a male looking person in a gay space, would in the US be just assumed to be a gay male. Here I was asked if I was lesbian, gay, ftm, mtf, bisexual, etc, all in the same question. I don't know about you, but I have never seen a male or male looking person asked if they were a lesbian in any space, gay or otherwise, because it's assumed to not be a possibility. I met some people who were "neutral" though I could not figure out if they meant in gender or sexuality or both. But the cool thing was, it didn't really matter. Your gender could be neutral. Your sexuality could be, "I like interesting people", and it's all ok. You are able to identify as whatever you want, including outside of labels and boxes, and it's all good.
Which is good, because I have never been very good at fitting inside of any boxes.

And there are some people there that make my heart go "doki doki" :D

Anyway, I think this might be my last entry here. This journal is too old, too connected to a past me that died forever ago. I've been wanting to make a new one, but was worried I'd end up writing basically to myself, as I am not sure if anyone still reads this and would sign up at the new journal. I'll probably keep this one open just so I can keep the record of the past entries though. Bah my english and spelling have really went downhill.. lots of re-typing on this..

Oh I have a facebook account now, haven't done much on it yet, but it's there.

Most people (ie no one) in Japan knows I gay.. or anything else for that matter. It's been amazing for once in my life to be assumed as just normal. There are no words to express that, as I have always been the one sticking out and often the only representative of whatever minority and have always had to bear the weight of that. I tried to "disappear" and become not noticeable in high school, but it still didn't quite work, I just got stepped on a lot more and ignored, but still had to deal with teasing and being the outcast and such. I'm still like that. I really want to be seen, but I am also terrified of it, because, whether with bullies at school, or bullies in family or romantic relationships, I've learned how hard it is for people to see you. But being invisible is heart breaking as well. It's a lot different here in Japan, but still a little the same. I'm afraid to be seen as I really am, I am glad to be seen as normal and having a relief for once, but it is difficult to be assumed to be things you are not, and so I was so glad today to find a community of people that are in some ways more like me. And I have hope that maybe, just maybe, there is a place for someone like me here. And finding that place where I can finally let go and be myself and be safe like that (and maybe even loved like that).. there are no words to express how heart-wrenchingly wonderful that would be.

Oddly enough, you know what seems to feel like the biggest setback to me? It's money. I never really knew the things I liked for example because I never had the money to pursue them growing up. Like I've discovered I like art, LOVE dance, and like skiing. I also really love the outdoors. But I don't do any of it. Music is also my biggest thing, I credit it with me surviving to adulthood. But I didn't do ANY art until my senior year in high school and only a little since then because of the cost of supplies. While growing up, we couldn't afford food really (survived on credit for some years) so wasting money on stuff I wasn't good at wasn't an option. I still feel that way, I'm afraid to, or outright can't pursue my interests because of the cost. So I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life as I am just discovering some of the things I like, but since I'm new to them, I tend to not be so good (in my opinion). Maybe I could get better, but there's no money, or time, have to finish college and then get a job to pay that back. It scares me because my mom is like that - trapped. She has no money, lots of dreams, but no way to do them. My dad the same (they are divorced). My mom is on disability now, which was a great change when she finally got that when I was in high school, since we finally had money to eat at Taco Bell occasionally. (We lived on about 300 a month income before that). My dad has a job that is constantly in peril due to his disability. He had to move away for a while for it a while ago, but has since moved back. I have the same thing as they do, and often worry about how in the world I am going to survive in the future. Working, even part time, is very hard for me.

What does this mean?

I have a dream.
Impossible as it may seem.

My dream?

To somehow come into a lot of money. Why you ask? What would I do with it? Well..

Most importantly is my parents. Honestly they just started being parents only a few years ago (I was trying to run away my entire life, even to the point of prostitution/slavery, it was just really really bad, especially when I was really young, and I was convinced I'd leave as soon as possible and never speak to them ever again). Yet I seem to find it impossible to hate someone who is trying, and they finally have started to. Since they most likely will not be on this planet as long as I will, it's more important for them to have happy lives while they can, I think. Both my mom and dad have ideas for their own businesses that are wonderful. Neither of them have a home they own. So the first thing I do if god, some generous person/people, the universe, etc sent the funds my way would be to buy a home where my mom could live and not have to worry about rent, and buy a home for my dad so he could have a place of his own and not have to worry if something goes bad with his job. The second thing I do? If I could, I'd help them with their businesses, as they won't have forever to start those, and they would add more beauty to the world. Most importantly I can't stand the thought of my parents dying without having lived, without seeing at least some of their dreams come true, and having done something in life instead of just dying miserable with nothing but regrets. They don't deserve that.

What else would I do? Well if I magically still had the option, I'd love to spend a bit on myself for my own happiness. I would love to have a home so I wouldn't have to worry about having no place to live. Also I've never had a home in any sense of the word. With as hard as it is for me to work much, and with not knowing what I can do with my life, I'm terrified of truly having nothing: no job, no money, nowhere to live, no idea of where to go. I've already came far, where I come from people have nothing much and usually just spend their whole life living in government subsidy apartments with their parents, not graduating high school, not working (or working at McDonalds or similar low wage places). People don't go anywhere with their lives because no one thinks they can, the people themselves and everyone around them. I experienced a life that makes me think the same way... I don't know what I can do with my life and don't know the options because from where I'm from there are none. If I hadn't worked very hard in high school to try to change that, I would just be in the same place, since there's no way in hell my parents or I could have afforded anything else. Through scholarships and too many loans I'm going to college, but after then what? I have 6 months to find a job to pay off my loans for who knows how much of the rest of my life. So I dream of a place where I can return, call home, and know that even if all goes bad, I'll still have it to return to. As long as I can afford food, I won't die. That's a comforting feeling.
Also really important to me is my surgeries to finish my gender change. Because without it I feel like I can't even be a person or relate to people in the weird in-between horrible space I am in now. I don't feel quite human or quite alive, since I am not myself on such a basic level as my physical being.
After all of this is my biggest pipe dream. It's long and complicated. Simply put I want to have my own business too. But I don't really want it to be like a normal business. I want it to be a place that helps people. A place where people can go who have nowhere to go. Where people who have no place can come and be safe, and hopefully find something more than just that, although that is huge. I want to have places where people can come together with similar selves and interests and find others to not be alone in the world. And places where people can find help if they need it: food, shelter, advice, conversation. It's a pipe dream because of how complex and expensive it would be. But I guess I want a place where people who are like I am/was could come, people who have no safe space, or have lost everything. As well as people just seeking to connect with others similar to themselves instead of heading to a bar for a hookup or drowning themselves. I have the ideas for it in my head. But I'd need someone like Bill Gates (well maybe not quite that extreme) to really pull it off, but then again perhaps parts of it could be done if all is too much, or could be added to later.

Also if I had money I could work on the things I love- music, dance, art, writing, spiritual things, outdoor stuff, etc without having to worry about not being able to do those things due to being too busy just trying to survive. I hope I could be good enough to create something useful eventually but would appreciate being able to try because I know I would not be able to create something like that, good enough to survive off of, yet.

Lately I've been seeing so many people and postings here and elsewhere for money for important things: people's health, people's homes, a school of dance and music, etc. I thought I should post something myself but I probably lack the eloquence for that, and more importantly I HATE begging and have issues even asking for stuff (I feel bad writing these last two entries too, I feel like no one needs to hear my complaining, but alcohol helps a little with my issues with that). Also it's not like very many people look at this and it's not like they have tons of money themselves. So I decided not to. I almost felt like I should as I feel like I've lost a lot of my faith due to always asking god and the universe for stuff but just mostly experiencing a lot of painful things. Working in all customer service jobs so far also hasn't helped ;p Abusive relationships being the core of one's life from childhood on doesn't help either. I'm still scared, still terrified. When one says they love you and then the next second.. does something really horrible, whether it's your parents or the person you are with, it really fucks with things, especially if that's a continuous ongoing happening. My faith, hopes and dreams have kept me alive, but my life has always been breaking them. I thought, what an amazing inspiring thing if people where to help. But I feel bad for even mentioning it. I know the universe has a way of giving miracles, and I want to believe in it and in people. I feel I've spent my whole life begging for help, for attention, for anything, and although I've mostly just done that through many late night cries, screaming, begging, dreaming sessions, I feel I've been too needy for too long and pushed a lot of people away with it. I LOVE for the universe and the people in it to prove me wrong. To find the miracle of love, prosperity, a place I truly belong. To be able to help my parents find the same as much as I can. All I want to do is bring beauty and good things to the world, to help it change and help the people in it. I confess it is hard to do coming from the place of pain and darkness like I have and needing so much myself. I still continue to hope that the things I need will make their way to me, and I still continue to work as hard as I can and know how to for as long as I am able.

Hi! It's been a while. And I'm not sure what I have to say.. well I have a lot in a way but not sure what to put. I'm a bit drunk atm, so I decided now would be a good time to post. I know I'm very lonely, its been years.. 2 or 3 or more at least. Just came back from a party for some people who are leaving here soon to return to the US. I'll miss them even though I didn't get to know most of them that much at all. Time is such a funny thing. So much passes yet nothing really seems to happen. Before you know it, it's time to go home and you wonder where everything went. Why all the things you dream of still are as far away as yesterday, or as years before. I've changed so much but so much has stayed the same. What I want more than anything in the whole world is to connect with people. To have, to make a place in life and in the world. I don't know how to break the first barrier, there's always so many fears: I'm gay, I'm trans, I'm whatever. I've always (well for a while) known people in all sorts of groups, but never had anywhere where I could just be myself totally. There's the goths, the gamers, the gay, the trans, the fantasy orientated, the spiritual, etc etc. A few I haven't really officially had a coming out of of sorts about, or gotten really involved in because of the difficulty to find and connect with likewise people and my own fears. As a masculine lesbian I had no fears, no worries, I'd stand up to anyone. But now I'm afraid of everything. For some reason being a feminine man is a lot more scary, especially if you are not really "a man" in many people's eyes by being trans. I have been passing here amazingly, it seems everyone thinks I'm a straight man, but really that's just horribly lonely. I am so glad to finally finally not always be the one standing out, to be the obvious blackest sheep, for everyone to know what I am just with one look, but to have no one know who you are and to be terrified at their reaction if they knew is really not fun at all either. I felt like that a lot once I transitioned, that I could not let anyone know who and what I was, but that I wanted to just to be able to connect with them and not be hiding myself. But in America apparently many people still saw through some of it, even after years of hormones and transitioning. I just had to worry about my sexuality mostly. But I don't know how people saw me. I still really don't. But I'm living in a boy's dorm and everyone seems to think I fit. In America I was still terrified to reveal myself even though some of it might have been transparent to some. But in America people are more likely to be violent about some of the things I am. Here I am terrified less because of violence and more because I have people I am getting to know or want to know and don't want everyone to hate me. And I really really don't want people to know I'm trans, it's not like they need to unless they date me. But speaking of that.. If people assume I am a guy and then find out I like guys and still are ok with that, and if someone happens to like me back.. well it's going to be a hell of an issue to be like.. oh do you like guys? oh you do, well I do too, but.. I am one, but, not really.. not as much as I'd like to be yet anyway.... but too much in other ways.. wtb hair remover.. lol I actually really want to try some of the beauty stuff out here as it is more accepted, but maybe not for foreign men, but more importantly my language and possibly the state of my body is a very limiting factor. I've heard there are gay and maybe even trans places/bars here but where do I fit even if I could get past the language barrier? As much as I hate the gender system I'd do ANYTHING to be a passing (preferably beautiful) guy. It's too painful otherwise. And I feel I'm hideous right now, and as much as I want companionship, I don't see how anyone else could not think the same if it came down to that. I LOVE for it to come down to that, but it seems impossible in so many ways. But yes, lonely, so much so. When drunk especially, just a touch reminds me of HOW DAMN LONG it's been for any kind of touch. It's not like I got it earlier in my life either, I grew up without parents around much and when they were around it was just to yell at me or worse, not the nice hug, caring shit. So yeah, I'm more than a little touch deprived, and while sex would be very great (probably) what matters most to me is just touch. I would probably be fine, if not happier the majority of the time with just that. But I have no one to give it to me, and I'm hideous. I guess I can hope that this is like any process and eventually in the end it will be ok (my looks) but right now I'm at that in-between stage like when your hair starts to grow out and won't do what you want and just looks totally ridiculous. Only many times worse. And some things probably can't really happen. I'd love to be taller. Surgeries for sex change are also not that great yet for people on my side and there's not much motivation to change that. So theoretically I could spend thousands of dollars I don't have and still have nothing. I'm not so happy about this. But what can I do? I keep going forward even not knowing if in the end it will be worth anything at all, because of the hope that things can change, and some absurd faith in miracles and the goodness of god, what is, the world, people, etc that in daily life seems to be just a pipe dream. I'm frustrated, disillusioned, and have spent my entire life wishing I could be dead. Until I dated AJ and my entire world and self changed, but then that just was/became so bad. And I went from that to Brandon who ripped everything to pieces. I'm starting anew in a sense due to the destruction of that, but with what? I feel like I have nothing. I'm alone, adrift, with no direction, no one. I don't want to be alone. I've had so many meaningless and so many hurtful connections, that is not what I want either. I don't know how to cross that first step: to get to find people or to start to get to know them. I'm not sure if I know exactly what to do after that, but I'm a little bit better maybe, or maybe what I know there is just unhealthy too. But I can see in my mind things that would be better. I've spent my whole life alone. And I haven't had any just friendships or healthy relationships, mostly just hookups, some which lasted longer and meant more than others. I'm ready to live.

I haven`t posted in a long time, but keep meaning to. Don`t plan on saying a lot today however. I`ve been continually busy and stressed since coming to Japan, and it`s been nothing like I thought or was told it would be. I`m upset about a lot of things, but still, I`m glad to be here. I finally looked at my friends page here for the first time in what seems like forever as well. It`s so strange to see how so many people keep going on in their lives and changing and growing so much when I feel like I don`t really do much at all. I`ve had people say I`ve done a lot and similar things but I really just don`t see it. I think I`m craving something with a deeper connection and meaning that I have been missing. The majority of my life I can`t remember well, I can`t remember my early childhood at all. Even now, when asked what I did yesterday or last week or ate for dinner last night or whatever, I almost never can remember. I`m so disconnected, disengaged, and I know why. What I don`t really know is how to change it. I mean, I look back on my life and it seems like a strange distant story of someone else. I want to leave that behind, but I don`t know how to find a place where I can just truly fully be.

Honestly, part of me just wants to fade away as I don`t feel like I can ever truly belong in this world the way it is now. But I know I`m not the only one like this, and I`m all for building something better.

Every time that I cry out
No one ever comes to me
Every time that I reach out
No one ever rescues me


I wish I could hide from everyone
Is there somewhere else to be
Is there somewhere else to be
Take me in
I want out
That's all I need

I wish I could run from everything
Is there somewhere else to be
Is there somewhere else to be
Take me in
I want out
That's all I need

(written by Vast)


Yeah it really fits. Especially the first four lines. They just bring up a LOT of memories.

I think I'm really scared because I'm at a point in my life where MAYBE that might be starting to possibly change. I'm not really sure. I can't tell. And that's difficult enough. But the worst thing is since I'll be in Japan for a year, I'll be gone for so long. How is something so tenuous and just beginning going to fare over such time and distance? I've never been really good at either, especially distance. And it almost feels worse to get so close to something only to feel it kind of slip away. It maddening actually, and horrifyingly scary. I've been so emotional these past few weeks, more than I have been in years.

But I've been kinda distancing and numbing myself to it, not that that is the best thing but I don't know what else to do. I can't face it directly because it is too much. I've never really had a close friend, well I had one that I knew for about a month once. To have a group of friends, a close friend I can talk to, people I can be myself around, somewhere where I can be loved (really) and safe (really), for being myself, is more than I can even imagine beyond my wild fantasies. It's like the most wonderful and most horrible thing ever because the timing is all wrong and I'm still not sure exactly how it will play out, I can't really trust that people will care and still be there and really give a damn because.. well I still don't know if that really exists (or if it can exist for me) or if it is some damn fantasy from watching too much anime ;p

Sigh I feel my walls are back up, so I can't really explain this emotionally because I can't really access that atm.

But suffice it to say, there is one really really awesome person that I'd love to be good friends with and another really awesome person who I'd love to be good friends with and really hopefully eventually more as she makes the world full of sunshine.

So this is probably, hopefully going to be a really good turning point in my life, it just sucks a bit at the moment.

And I've realized going from emotional to non-emotional really is a sucky feeling. Have I always lived like this? Because it really sucks. I look forward to a point in life where I won't need to do this anymore.

On Nov 23rd, 2005, I posted a quiz that said I was 70% boyish, 30% girlish. Found it again and figured, what the hell. It reflects what I feel to be the case. Heh.

You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How the hell does T make you more girlish? LOL Actually it's just me. And as long as I stay safe, I'll continue not caring. I still feel strange a bit about this, and not safe to really express it much, but safe enough to not have to change it, which is good.

Things have been a little off for the past few days. I've realized something. I really need to focus on myself. It's so easy to lose one's self in interactions with others. I have to find the balance. It seems my way to find this involves a long time of intense self-reflection and self-involvement. Really knowing who I am as a person to the point where I don't comprise that for someone else. I've been on the opposite end of the spectrum for so long. But.. deep down I know that I am awesome, at least I seem pretty damn cool if I really get deep enough in myself to see myself. But it seems to be my nature to focus on others, to care for others. But in doing so I tend to get so caught up in knowing them, interacting with them, caring for and about them that I lose touch with interacting with and knowing and caring for myself. It seems weird, but it seems like I really need to be a totally self absorbed person for a bit, and to find people/someone who appreciate me for who I am as that, not just me as the caregiver.

I want to bring someone into my own world. I've been too busy being in/trying to get into other's worlds. I need people who want to be in mine, to see me as I actually am in my own space.


This coming after a somewhat both wonderful and disastrous dinner out with someone that I've mentioned last post. I wanted to hang out with her and naturally asked her out to dinner (in an email) before I realized that might be, or be taken as a "date." Was it one? It sure didn't feel like one (I think mostly due to the quick ending after dinner {no more talking? :'( } and the casual goodbye). I don't feel like she intended it to be one, and while I know she thinks I'm cute that doesn't necessarily mean she likes me, or she could and it could be some other reason. No idea. I've never really been on a real "date" and I guess a silly part of me was hoping she likes me and would realize I like her too, all that silly stuff. I don't know if she's seeming reserved because she doesn't like me or because she doesn't think I like her or other reasons, and I don't want to push her and risk making her feel uncomfortable or anything. Bah!

And the rest, above. I just have always been concerned with caring for people, making them comfortable and happy and such. I want someone to just get to know me as a person, to come into my world, as opposed to me leaving that space to constantly care for them/worry over them, take care of them, etc. A role reversal would actually be really nice. But I don't want to hurt someone if that would hurt them. I don't think I was hurt just by that, but by doing solely that with everyone over many years. It kind of takes a lot out of you. And you have to wonder, why isn't someone doing this to/for me? Why am I the only one? And I seriously doubt I could be like many people I dated, stuck entirely in my own world so I don't even see anyone else, even as they take care of me. But I think it's more likely to end up more balanced if it starts out with them pursuing me, coming into my world and space, and caring. I feel like I'm always running after others, even those who want me doing just that, trying to be there for them, comfort them, whatever. Let someone run after me for once. Of course, what about shy people or dense people, who might never start anything? I don't know. But I can't keep running after people and hope that one day they will notice that I'm there, and more importantly, care enough to do anything about it. I keep giving out, over and over again, with no response, or painful backlash. I deserve for someone to give to me, to think I'm beautiful, interesting, wonderful, to want to know who I am and why. To want to run after me for who I am.

I am posting, probably mostly to procrastinate as I kinda of need to find a job and pack my apartment before Sat morning and I just finished updating my resume, but feel it still probably needs some work. :\ But yeah.. I'm posting because: I have a crush! Finally again. I've had a few, but I've always talked myself out of them. I've tried to talk myself out of this one too. But she's just too cute/pretty/beautiful, etc. Unfortunately, I am going to Japan next year. That, complicates things.

And I'm kinda really shy and insecure to boot.

At first I didn't know she was, well she. I just thought she was beautiful. Then one day I saw her dressed up in makeup and I swear I think I did the whole "jaw drop open and stare" thing. ;p And I found out that she is on the path of transitioning. I WAS hoping for a cute/beautiful boy, but it's not like she gets any less beautiful by being female. :) (ok honestly I'm a little conflicted as I've really gotten to the point both where I notice more beautiful women, but I'm also more actually physically attracted to those who are more on the pretty boy and/or genderqueer/androgynous side, but I think gender really shouldn't matter, and I think it's not something to worry about until it actually gets to that point, and by the time it does it will probably not even be remotely relevant anymore anyway :) ) So yeah, I told her that I like her as her, as who she is as a person, and I meant and still mean that :).

But.. I really doubt she knows that when I say I like her and think she is beautiful.. Well, I really really mean it! ;p

I would have probably just given up entirely and talked myself out of it, but a mutual friend told me that yes, she does think I'm cute too, and also that she is pretty oblivious when it comes to such things. Well, so am I!

So yeah, I'm mostly being restrained since, you know, Japan, but love has been in the air around me for a few weeks maybe now and I'm finding it harder and harder to ignore, but more and more likely it will ignore me (see moving in oh 3 or so days :'( )

Anyway, I hope she or someone who knows her/me doesn't see this and she or any of our mutual friends thinks I'm too weird (from this entry or this journal as a whole-yikes!).

I kind of just wanted to describe the immense feeling of floating, tingly crushdom, but I failed epically due to the fun side of additional angst ;p.

I really don't know her nearly as well as I could, as I have been busy doing nothing but homework all semester. But now there's this tingly, anticipation, sighing, floaty and oh so nervous to the point of somewhat angsty thing going on. It's been a LONG while, and most of it feels pretty good, even though the unfulfillment of it is very heartbreaking.

le sigh



on completely unrelated news: I had awesome Japanese food today: eel, white tuna sushi, inari zushi, mochi, green tea ice cream, miso, green tea, and a sushi roll, and of course I still have a LOT of it left.
and I have an AWESOME doctor in Indy, completely awesome, I really really was sad to leave IN just because it meant leaving that behind, which you don't find in a doctor everyday.
And I got a haircut. Not exactly what I was wanting/envisioning, but pretty good considering I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted and just had a few (conflicting none the less) ideas. It's pretty standard emo though I think, and I'm not quite sure what I think about that. As I've seen that look really awesome on a lot of people, but.. not on everyone. Still trying to figure out if it works for me or not. Much shorter though, I love long hair, I LOVE it! but mine gets kinda flat if it gets too long and it was all one length which made it worse. But it feels better shorter, and I think it would feel so much more awesome now when/if played with (daydreams and drools). I am realizing I am SUCH a romantic. Candlelight, massages, cuddling, baths, roses/flowers, good chocolate, slow building romances, friendship building into more, touching preferred over sex, looking into someone's eyes, being swept off my feet, being cared for (and caring for too, I do that naturally), basically anything slow, gentle, sweet, romantic. I am a sucker! I do get more in touch with my "girl" side the longer I am on T. (I LOVE dresses, makeup, jewelry, anything and anyone pretty.) I feel weird saying that because it doesn't feel quite right in the wording though.

And as for my supreme distaste for the female to male (or male to female) labels, I found something that makes me a bit more comfortable. I think that the way I experienced the past through gender is significant in who I am, many things I feel couldn't be explained in a way that makes sense without including the background to those things. However, I do not feel, and have never felt like I was "female," whatever that actually is anyway. But my background as a lesbian, feminist, and woman even (as those were the roles I was in at the time) really were a big part of the shaping of me and my life's progress. So.. something like "person who was designated female at birth" means a lot more to me than saying that I was female and now am something else, I was and have always been myself, I've never been female, but I have actually been a woman and a lesbian, etc. Those are roles and spaces within ourselves and are connected to the concept of gender by custom. I still feel like a woman and a lesbian at times. That will always be a part of me, and not just in the sense of something lost in the past only and dismissed totally from the present/future. That has been confusing as hell to me for the longest time. But then I realized they have been and are a part of me, and that I really don't have to be female, or have ever been female, for that to be true.

It makes sense to me anyway, finally, although it's still scary because who the hell else will understand? I'm really really sick of being unlovable because I am too different or weird. I KNOW I'm different, but I happen to think difference is awesome, surely I'm not the only one?

Sigh. Why am I so lovesick? I just feel it's time. That I could finally be with someone without losing myself in them and have a healthy relationship. And I've been single for YEARS. I want to be romanced, loved, cuddled, wooed, held. I really want more friends especially too, because friends are more important than anything else and they can really fill a lot of those slots as well: loving, cuddling (yay, cuddle piles!), support, caring, etc. But I feel like I'd give just about anything for a good friendship to develop into something more, where we could be friends and lovers. My soul aches for it.

And going to Japan sucks in a way because I'll have about a year and a half break from those people that I'm starting to maybe develop some of this (friendship, maybe more someday?) with.
Not that I don't want to go to Japan, I do very much! But it feels like the timing sucks.. But then again maybe it's somehow for the best. I just want somebody to truly love. And I've met someone who I think might be an eligible candidate, maybe :). And I'd love to find out. And I'm IMPATIENT!! though honestly I do want it to go slow, really, but.. is it going? it's so slow I can't tell.. O_o Go faster! NO, wait, maybe not. But.. Yes, please. (confused: read con fuse ed ;p)

oh the haze of the sun and wind and cherry blossoms falling like a rain of beauty on the radiant
why must you warm my soul so?
driving me slowly mad with your beauty
and my desire

Why am I such a sucker for quizzes? The longer results to this seem more accurate and make a lot more sense than this shortened version, hopefully you can click and go to them, or something, if you desire. ;p




My Personality

Neuroticism	82
Extraversion	50
Openness to Experience	92
Agreeableness	73
Conscientiousness	54

You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You are an active group participant but usually prefer to let someone else be the group leader. You enjoy a certain amount of debate or intellectual thought, but sometimes get bored with too much. You see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank and sincere. People find it relatively easy to relate to you, however you mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. The best ugg Boots.

So I should be doing other things, and I've lost a bit of my momentum. But there's been quite a few times I've wanted to put something up on here and just have not. I've changed so much in the last few years. I'm still single, but don't mind so much. Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to have some sweet sexy pretty boy sweep me off my feet, but there are several mistakes I will NEVER make again, and if that means I have to wait, so be it. Besides, the most fun part(s) are the ones that lead up to something, getting to know someone, the crush, the glances, the flirting. I just wish that would start soon.. but then again, maybe it already has and I just haven't noticed. :D I care a hell of a lot more for friends right now, and am finally starting to make them, I think, of course it's only a week before school ends, silly timing. Oh and I'll be in Japan next year, for a year. And there's a hell of a lot (ok maybe not a LOT, but more than I've usually seen in one place) hot people here. Too bad I'm too terrified that they are not gay or could otherwise not deal with my gender, to seriously try flirting (or even talking in most cases) to them. I don't feel like a gay man, but.. I'm not sure what I am.. Or rather, the words for it don't quite exist. I've realized I really like a lot of things that I would have been to nervous to ever say. And I'm debating with myself whether I should share here or not. I feel like there's so many people who would not care, but I'm mean I'm still hung up on being identified as gay (mostly because it's not totally the case, and partly, relating to that, due to the stereotypes and crap) and I'm still afraid to wear a skirt. Though Earlham is a lot more open for some reason than even Seattle felt. But I still feel like I haven't gotten the ok, whatever that is, that makes me feel like I can just be. I think once I get friends that I can actually talk to and be myself around, that that will be all that it is. It's amazing how terrified I was, really it's like coming out again, only coming out as a feminine queer guy is a LOT harder. And then there's the issue of that labels not really fitting still anyway. I'm pretty, I like pretties. That's the best one so far.
I like pretty clothes and pretty things, pretty people, the more male I become, the more I become something else. I am more of a stereotypical girl than I ever have been, but you know what, that's ok, because I'm not a girl and don't have to be.

Speaking of which.. I wore a girl's kimono today, watched some hot guys perform, talked with friends, blushed like hell and had the time of my life.
I'm much happier when life when I don't try to define it and force it or myself. Which is part of why writing this sucks because the words can't describe what the reality shows.
Maybe I'll stop writing in here, maybe open up a new account, maybe open up an account somewhere else.

Hmm.. for the hell of it, because I'm half convinced that no one will see this, or at least no one will reply, since I haven't written in so long...


Want to know what I am? Read a good bl (boy's love) story. Two (or more) pretty boys. The love, the kiss, the knowing touch. All love, no label mechanics. Love and beauty. Innocence, joy, eternal child.

Labels I've been afraid to throw out:
Kink, Furry, relating to many "fantasy" creatures, things and ideals as well as other cultures and times, feeling alien/lost in this world (it makes no sense), I also believe in past lives and things like angels, devils, vampires and such could really exist, have a vampire fetish and an elf fetish, can't buy into the whole gender/sexuality thing (guess my credits are faulty ;p), and love prettiness with no bounds, although pretty boys do have a special, special place in my heart, oh and love pretty clothes, especially it seems women's kimonos.

There's more, but I'm torn between feeling weird revealing all this and feeling weird with what I said and didn't say, and feeling weird with the fact that it's very likely most of the people I know and have known share similar feelings or at least wouldn't care, but you never know for sure. I've been too weird for a lot of people, so its easy to get sensitive to that, particularly when just so little of it is enough to freak out the general public.
I've got so much shit from so many little things, and I haven't really had a friend that I could talk to about stuff, and so it's hard to say.

I always feel when I write in here, that no matter what I start with, it almost always ends up brooding or angsty or something. Yuck. I'm really not usually that way anymore. It just comes up when I think of certain things I guess, and fear of even more rejection that I'm so sick of carrying with me, brings it to light it seems.

But I'm actually pretty happy now, despite being flooded with schoolwork. I'd like to really make some closer friends here, and that kinds of brings up some scary stuff, that and the fact that I don't really have the time to do so and don't know if I really have the knowhow of the way this is supposed to be done. But I'm sick of being alone, scared, and/or someone's... rag doll? In the words of the famous proverb: "Fuck.. this... shit..." ;p

I feel kinda happy tonight.. it's strange.. it there something in the air? it seems like some people i know/see/are around are a little lighter too.. is it just me? the fact that i've been able to truly smile and laugh for the first time it feels in.. years or so...? the road i'm on now may not be perfect but it has room for hope on it.. and i've missed that so much.. it really has been about 3-4 years or more since i've felt this.. how do we forget.. how do we forget ourselves and what makes us smile and laugh and lose it so easily? i'm scared but i have to believe because i've had nothing for so long.. and otherwise there is only nothing, if there is no light, no hope..

maybe i'm a fool but i'd much rather be a fool than a broken and jaded shadow that's fading into non-existance.. darkness is poetic, darkness is beautiful.. but to give into jadedness and lose your hope and your sense of self is just empty and cold.. i've gotten to the point where i didn't believe in ANYTHING.. nothing was real or mattered.. i'm scared to hope again, but there is nothing without it..



maybe i want permission to believe again.. maybe i want a sign.. but either way, it's coming and i'm going to try my hardest to not resist it out of irrational fear.. or maybe more accurately i'll not "try" anything but will just allow myself to freely feel again and remember what it feels like to fly.. and i won't have room for anything or anyone who tries to bring me down again.. now all i have to do is to remember.. how it feels to not be afraid.. but to be in hopeful awe of all the beautiful possibilities of life that we can not even begin to comprehend but can experience and know..


i will fly

because i can

i've changed so much i feel in the past year or two or even the past few months.. however it is so strange seeing how it seems like i've changed but the scenery is still, unfortunately, the same.. maybe it takes time, or maybe i just haven't changed as much as it feels i have.. i want my life to change.. i'm sick of working so much doing something i don't really like and then feeling too drained from it to do anything else, or if i still do have energy, it's the time of night that no one i know is awake probably.. not to mention the fact that i still don't know hardly anyone here.. i would like to have some real friends but i am not at all interested in fake, let's go out to the bar or whatever friendships.. not that that is always a horrible or useless thing to do with friends.. i really do miss having and want people that i can go and hang out with, but that doesn't mean that it has to be always doing the same thing when we go out (especially not going to bars.....), and i want to know people i can do other stuff with as well, like playing video games, watching anime/movies, going out during the day to movies, stores, theme parks, parks, camping, etc, etc.. i don't know where and how to find such people though.. i remember i used to go out to restaurants at night with friends, walk up and down and road that had a lot of local stores and look around/hang out, go to poetry readings and local music performances.. i don't know where a lot of these things are here, and i also don't feel like i have anyone to go with..

anyway.. what i want.....

i want friends to walk with, friends to walk around the cool areas with and discover new things, to hang out in restaurants late at night with a groups of interesting people of all kinds.. to go to parks and look at the sky, to take a picnic.. to watch the cherry blossoms fall.. to drink tea under the starlit sky.. to swing in the swings and play on the playground.. to camp outdoors.. to go canoeing.. to see the mountains.. to see the sea.. to ride/live on a boat.. to travel the world.. to live traveling the world/country.. to go to japan.. to eat japanese food every day... to be able to work doing something i love.. to make a difference.. to be happy.. to love... to make music and sing.. to make art.. to take pictures and develop them and make them my art.. to dance.. to be on the stage.. to be loved/adored for who i am.. to have a home.. to have a safe place i can always go to.. to sleep.. to have lazy mornings waking up late and warm, having tea and a yummy breakfast and to have the chance to share this time with someone.. for someone to see who i really am.. for someone to show me what that looks like.. to be rich, so i can buy both my parents houses and businesses and give my dad hope again... to own my own business.. to work with my mom with her healing business... to meet someone special.. to fall in love and to have that love returned... to have the hottest boy ever ;p (in my mind) to be able to touch someone and not feel like a freak or worry that i will be made to.. to be able to not have to worry about paying rent.. to be able to eat the food i like every day.. to be famous and loved for doing something that i love to do... for the love to outweigh the hate of my past... to create a new and wonderful future, dealing with the past and leaving it forever behind me.. no more living in fear and hate and shame... sushi... lots and lots of sushi... and yakisoba.. and onigiri.. and.... margaritas ;p and irish cream liquor with chocolate milk... to try good sake under a full moonlit night... to be a samurai.. ;p (or at least learn some cool fighting techniques :) ) and wandering samurai.. or gypsy.. or something.... i know.. a wandering bishounen fighter/lover for peace and justice and changing the world through art, dancing, music, swordplay and martial arts display, love, programs, businesses, actions, activism... and sushi.. ;p hehehe and boy love! LOL the power of the love of two pretty boys!!! (yes i know i read way too much manga huh.. lol but still....... )
hell while i'm at it, why can't harry potter type magic be real as well? that would be awesome!!! ;p then again.. magic is real.. and everything is made up of energy.. and i think truly if we could only comprehend what we are capable of and tap into our full potential of our bodies, brain, spirits, etc we could do a lot more.. because truly the only limits are the ones that we set.. the only reason the world is the way that it appears to us is because that is how we interperet the way our senses interperet the world... but if we interpereted it differently, or looked outside our senses, or expanded our senses, etc then things could be much different then they are now.. why do we get so stuck in things that do not even work that well? i guess it's just because we are afraid that changing them would make it worse.. we are afraid of change.. so we stick to things that suck.. i mean most people don't overly like the jobs they work, nor do they like the amount of time they put into it, but we are taught that that is the only way to survive, so that is what we do... i have a lot of hopes and dreams and desires.. and a few of them maybe a bit out there.. and really most of them are a bit out there for the way the world is now... it makes me sad how the idea of truly being happy with your life or even just a component of your life, seems to be a rarity... people stay in jobs, relationship, all sorts of patterns because they have to and because there is nothing better, so they think.. i'm fed up with this thinking.. i want to create.. i want to change things... i want to be and feel alive... i don't want to settle for anything.. where i am now is juat an important stepping stone on my way to something bigger.. i don't have to be tied to where i am now just because people may say that there isn't much of anything higher.. i don't have to let the other crabs pull me back down into the bucket just because they don't want anyone to know that there's a bigger better world outside of it.. i'm not sure how to get out.. but i know that i'm not going to stop trying or just become complacent.. i was taught that there were only two choices in life.. go to college and be a lawyer or doctor, or live with your parents forever, work at mcdonalds and do drugs all the time, as most of the people where i lived did.... neither one appeals to me.. i'm really clueless about how to find a way to do something that i love and still survive.. but i'm not going to give up on it... i don't even know most of the career options that they actually are, other than doctor, laywer, mcdonalds or similar.. i know there's a world of options that i know nothing about.. i know i'm still a kid, but i never got to be one, and now it's probably too late, except that doesn't make the need go away.. i need to be cared for and loved unconditionally and have a childlike time without all the adult worries that i always had to deal with.. and to feel safe... to have a home i can be safe and loved in and where i can be take care of.. but i think i'm past the point of that being possible, even though my parents finally started acting like parents only about a year or two ago, in the few months, october-december before i moved out to seattle... i like that.. being able to play games and to work just for money for myself, not to have it all go to bills, and to be able to eat when i was hungry and not to always have to worry about money or food or some other apsect of surviving, taking up all my time.. but i do also like being independent and that is what i want to be... i just feel like i need some time to make up for the time that i didn't have.. i guess maybe i wanted to find this in other people which didn't work so well.. and i knew how much it sucked to not have that caring so i tried to give it to the people i knew who mostly then just took it and then ran away because they were scared and probably had similar things going on as well.. ever since i was 6 or so, i was waiting for my knight in shining armor to come rescue me... then i finally just resorted to looking for just anyone.. then i got treated like shit a lot because i didn't think i deserved any better because i was told throughout my whole life by everyone how horrible i was all the time.. now i'm realizing i do have a bundle of shit to work through.. but i do know what i want.. do i know all the details, not quite.. but i know what i'm looking for.. now all i have to find out is whether it actually exists or not.. does love truly exist? i really truly am seriously not sure what the answer is.. people use people.. but is love really real? and can someone ever really love someone like me anyway for who i am? will anyone ever take the time and care to find out who that really is? and will they not hate me for it, like so many others? the last few people i dated seemed to pretty much hate everything about me, and the last one even really did make me feel like me even breathing was something i should die for.. i've always had a lot of self-hate but this made me hate everything single thing about myself, down to the individual atoms and cells.. i was often so scared of what was happening and hating myself, so much that i couldn't even literally move.. i don't think it's something you can even begin to imagine unless you've felt it before.. and i grew up in a world of no future.. the people around me did nothing with their lives.. and then there were others, like my dad, who worked for a living but hated his job and life so much that he just kinda lot interest in almost everything and just kinda gave up for the most part... and others like my mom who struggled so hard to try, but was eventually beaten down as well and trapped in the system (for those who don't know, my mom lives in some kind of government type program housing and now gets checks from the government as well, not welfare though but disability) i don't really talk about that though because i feel a mixture of being ashamed and like i'm trying to beg for pity or something... but it was great when my mom finally stopped working the 6-9 or however many jobs she was working (making only $300 a month) and then got on disability because we could finally afford decent food sometimes and could even eat some at taco bell! as a kid/teenager this was a nice highlight/change.. i've realized over the years that all sorts of fun shit runs in my family.. all sorts of physical and mental disorders as well as a lot of abuse, possibly especially on the sexual side.. yay family... i don't like talking about this, as i also don't like talking about my own health because i'm afraid of being judged or feeling like a pity case, yet i think i need to talk about it because not talking about it at all isn't very healthful either...

i come from nothing.. and a broken home.. really broken families on both sides, the worst is my dad's side who tries to sweep it all under the rug where it just sits and rots.. i had big dreams as a young kid but those quickly changed to me thinking i was seriously worth less than shit and that i should let people use me and treat me like shit and then thank them for it as they were the ones doing me a service.. when i was about 8-14 i decided that i wanted to be a prostitute (exotic dancer and etc as well) because i thought i wasn't worth more.. and it was something that i knew how to do.. and it might take me away from where i was.. and maybe i'd finally just die.. i wanted to die my whole life almost.. what i really wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up as my dreams were often wonderful...

i truly feel like i was born in the wrong world/time/etc because the things that i value and like and are important to me, and who i am, is just so out of place here... i do feel like i was born for a reason, but i really don't know if i'll be able to do much at this point because i'm already 23 and have done so little.. so i kinda just really wish i could go back to wherever it was that i came from..

i want to find someone kind and caring and gentle that i can share my life with, some beautiful boy/person (boy is my preference as i want it to be someone who i am attracted to, however if that attraction is there and stays there then that is what i'm really looking for).. someone who is interesting and has their own life, interests, and personality so we can have things to share together as opposed to merging into one being which eventually loses interest and meaning... someone who can really see me and really love me as i am, and who i feel the same towards.. someone with whom life can be an adventure of discovering new things, learning, traveling, but also discovering things within our own close world and ourselves.. i want to have my own self and my own life, but i would like to share it with someone who has their own self and life to share with me.. i want someone to read me like a storybook they're facinated by.. and i want to be able to look at them with the same interest.. i want every touch to be electric, and someone who can be content at going slow, someone who can feel the true weight of just a gentle touch, a brush of the hands, and not need to rush to a makeout session or sex because they can't feel anything less than that.. i don't care about sex.. at this point i don't even want it.. it's been almost nothing but pain and trouble.. plus i don't know how to go about it with this body that is at odds with the one in my head... i worry about how that will work when i get to the point where i'm ready for that again because i do have past issues with it and gender issues as well.. but i do think that if it's with the type of person that i want it to be with, and if it take as long to get to it as i think i may be wanting it to, by that time things just may fall into place somehow anyway and it may not matter that much.. i always thought that sex was so important as i placed it as the biggest communication of love into touch but i realize that maybe it can be that way but it almost always isn't.. i LOVE touch.. and i miss it so very much.. but that's why i want to revel in the beauty of the simple, simple things as opposed to overloading my senses so quickly.. and i want there to be meaning.. at this point i don't give a damn at all about having an orgasm.. although that might be somewhat do to how long it's been since i've been with someone or even been touched in any way be someone at all.. i don't really care why it is though.. i know what i want.. when the slightist touch can send electricity running down your spine... i think that's worth way more than lots and lots of sex.. and i want that simplicity... to look deep in someone's eye and feel my heart spinning.. it's so easy to numb yourself and to take it fast because that's what you are expected to do... but that's not what i want.. i want to feel.. i don't want to be numb anymore... i don't want to have to be bashed in the head (or whatever) to feel anything at all...

mmm.. i started thinking about japanese food again.. green tea ice cream... yum.....

i'm a little afraid i might feel pressured to forget what i want and go along with what is "normal" so i want to find someone who wants and likes what i want as well....

but everyone in this town seems to be all about drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling, and being cold and stand-offish... yuck....

anyway.. yeah.. i have a dream.. and i'll get my magic fairy pixel dust and sprinkle it saying magical incantations and the world will change.. and i won't have to read/watch so much fantasy and anime/manga... ;p

and it's funny how i was always afraid to be myself most of the time even on livejournal because i was scared that i'd scare off people that i knew or wanted to know as friends or more than friends... i'm still scared, but at least i'm a bit less censored.. probably because i'm really half-asleep as i write this.... and because i don't feel i have as much left to lose anymore.. i still have somethings i'm afraid of.. although really i probably don't have them to lose anyway.. and more could probably be gained in some way by just being bluntly, sillyly honest..

maybe someday i'll get really drunk/tired and just start blurting out my dark secrets on here.. then again maybe not.. i don't have any dark secrets, what are you talking about?.... >_>

i just got the internet working again yesterday... so i thought i'd post this in celebration lol



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here's a rather recent pic that i've very proud of and want to find a way to show to everyone who might care... that being said, probably 80 or more percent of those people or so might possibly look at my journal at some point so i'm posting it here...

i might spam email it out to some friends who might not see it here though.. feel a little strange about doing that, but it just looks soo cool to me and it's very rare that i see a pic of myself that i actually really like..

that being said, i took it myself, thanks to the camera's timer ;p


( Click if you dare )



*edit* i like it best viewed larger which you can click on it to enlarge it twice past this size ;p yay for red eyes!

sooo.. i just moved.. i have a place of my own for the first time in my life.. and i can't be happier! i'd so super fucking excited!!!!! i have so much more time because it's all mine... everything is all mine, my space, my stuff, my room, my thoughts, feelings, decisions, everything... i decide how things are and what happens and who i allow in my space and when and i don't have to worry as much about what the people around me want and think because there is no one immediately around me.. so i can just ask myself what i feel and want and do that, or even better, i just do it.. it's amazing... it's amazing to have so much space.. it's amazing to have space that's not being invaded all the fucking time.. it's amazing to almost start to feel safe, at least at home (work might be another story).. now i think this is either going to do one of two things, maybe both.. i might be really social soon or really anti-social for a bit to enjoy my own space/time.. so.. just a fair warning, i might swing back and forth.. don't take offense if i want to be alone/don't keep in touch with you very well for a time at times.. i love being social and i love company and friends.. but i also love being totally alone in my own space and have needed that for a very very long time...

i don't want to feel guilty about social expectations, so don't rain on my parade, because it's so easy to do because i've spent my whole life taking care of others and making other people happy and it's very hard to not think that what i even think everyone else might want is what i should strive to do...

so no guilt tripping or i'll hurt you! ;p (in case you can't tell for some strange reason, this is me joking ;p)

soo.. there are a lot of things going on.. and i don't know if it would be best to just bitch about all of them now, especially since i should have been in bed hours ago...

but i want to say this because i don't want to think about it later.. of course i worry that by saying it then people will want to talk about it, which i don't think is what i want.. i don't know.. but i know i don't want to be upset and thinking about it right now...

i just heard a few hours ago that my cousin just killed himself on sunday.. it's a sad story with him shooting himself in his car, and his wife's hands are all broken from trying to get into the car, which tells me it's likely he was alive when she saw him initially because i know that feeling.. not to that extent quite maybe, but pretty damn close.. that frantic trying to save someone to the point where you don't care what it does to you, where everything is hanging on such a thin line and is about to break.. i hope i'm wrong, for her sake.. he leaves behind a wife and a child (i think only one) and a lot of other family members.. my grandparents stopped by to see his parents on their way to florida that very day.. they weren't told.. it's a mess..

what makes it even more strange is that that particular cousin was my best and only friend for the first few years of my life (until about 5-6 or so).. and what stopped that friendship was something that happened that i don't talk about and don't even like hinting at on here.. however, in order to understand the dynamics of the strangeness it's important to know how we were best friends and then i couldn't even stand to look at him.. and now he's gone.. whatever the hell that means.. i don't deal well with death at all.. i don't know if i could survive it if someone that i was close to died.. however it's still strange enough to deal with this in all it's levels.. i don't know what it means.. i don't know what i feel.. other than just tired of it.. tired of the dark secrets that families try to keep hid that eat them from the inside out, secrets of all sorts of abuse-physical, sexual, emotional, etc.. i'm tired of abusive relationships where you have to kill yourself to make the other person happy, and other the ones (often the same) where you have to keep someone from killing themselves-sacrificing yourself and your feelings, tearing the blades, pills, etc out of their hands in not so safe wrestling matches that can go on and on.. tired of not feeling safe, but even more tired of the over extending to try to make everything ok when it can never really be..

what does that mean? i don't know..
it's like there's this darkness that lives in the shadows and creeps out to seep into everything.. nothing is safe, nothing is real, everything is fragile and destroyed..

i'm sick of playing a doctor to the dying.. but maybe that's truly all there is..